There's a time when I almost express the word quit, all I see are my parents faces with full of hopes and smiling. How I wish I'm just 5 and all my cares were where did I put my crayons last night. Sometimes I envy my little sister, how wonderful life around her. Imagination, happiness and laughter. Not saying my life were dark and gloomy but my main idea were being adult never been easy. It needs courage, commitment and passion to go to the phase of life you always wanted. Big obligation will always there to test you till at one point you were gasping hardly to keep survive. The stronger you got, the higher test you will receive, and yes that is Allah promise. Allah will always testing us, because He knows our ability to handle our problems.
It's hard to admit that it does not bother you when you also still searching the right path of life.
Some judge me as self-centered brat, not complain but that makes me as me. I was born as the only child till I'm 18 when my sister come in to spice up our little family. I have all the attention from the family especially the parents. I always be the dream girl princess, where I have all the comfort in life. Been the target to perform the best and people put high expectation on me. I always experimental with all kinds just to make sure I deserve nothing but the best in life. Yeah, thanks Allah for giving me the opputurnity that not everyone can experience it.
Eventually, there's some community doesn't realize I'm still a human inside. Where I need to breathe, to stand for my thoughts and speak up what is inside my mind. I don't blame them, I was grown up in a society where everyone frame you based on your education level, being acceptable in social life, good reputation job, awesome pay for living and amazing image for self branding.
There's where I turn to be optimistic, I assume everyone is the best and everyone should give their very best shot in life. Not judging, but my dad always said this words to me "I don't care how you do it, but I know you have to do it. You must be the best among the best". It's pretty bold words that keep driving me to push myself to the limit, so I won't feel guilty if I fail. I have given my very best, and Allah knows my effort towards it. Back to the expectation, my whole life people wants me to success and have a good life. I don't have any doubt on that expectations but I have doubt about the way I need to achieve it.
In my big family I'm the best SPM achievers at the moment which I prayed someone will break the record so I can breathe normally again. Then comes to tertiary education, the highest were Master's in Economic research by my cousin Faidz. Now I'm doing double degree which no one in the family have done yet so now the expectations nerve hit me again, and worst. Pushing me to the Master's level, so I will be slightly higher than my parents education. Not to challenge them but as self-achievement to boost other to do better in their education. I still need to think about it deeply, I don't want to fulfill it just because to fit in but I wanna do it for the sake of Allah that believe in my capability.
Source; Youtube, Fix You by Coldplay
Don't pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a hard one.
"Ya Allah, I need your help to keep the strength in me. I need you to guide me in the right way so I won't have any doubt about it in future. I'm not only searching for the world satisfaction but I also want to be filled well for afterlife. World are just pit-stop but afterlife are forever. Keep me in a good track and lead me for better Muslimah. I know you have a good plan on me, so help me to decide what's the best for me, Insyallah".
Till we meet again Insyallah,
Ain Afiqah Ab Rahman.
No comments:
Post a Comment